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Walt Disney Co. Acquires Planet Earth

In a shareholder meeting Wednesday, Walt Disney Co. CEO Robert Iger announced that the entertainment company had acquired the planet Earth from previous owner Amazon Inc. for an estimated $7.3 quadrillion.

“We are extremely excited about the opportunities that may arise from owning this excellent planet,” Mr. Iger told stockholders.

The acquisition, which holds the world record for the most valuable ever, has received notable backlash from citizens of the planet, with many citing fears of dictatorship. The purchase, however, was applauded by conspiracy theorists, who published a statement Thursday simply reading “We told you so.”

The National Society of Conspiracy Theorists denied requests for comment. Multiple members of the group were arrested Friday while attempting to storm the Disney Vault.

Mr. Iger noted that all existing Disney World locations would be renamed “Disneyland” for the sake of consistency, while the rest of the planet would be renamed Disney World.

“We understand that there are those who object the acquisition, but as we own the Earth, we will soon enforce a law that will silence all views contrary to those of the Mouse House,” Mr. Iger said, while also noting that he will make sure that no tyranny or dictatorship of any sort will arise.

The assorted former leaders of the Earth declined to comment on the acquisition.

The first fears of dictatorship arose when people complained that all of the news channels on television were playing a marathon of the Disney Channel original series “Jessie” instead of providing regular news programming. The only information that has been obtained about this issue is from former CNN anchorman Wolf Blitzer, who Tweeted that “I lost my job because of these stupid people.”

*Disclaimer: This article is intended for satirical purposes only. Nothing in this article actually happened and it should not be treated as a work of nonfiction.*

By: Brig Larson

Photo Credits: Brig Larson

Categories: Article, Entertainment

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